


No Excuse

by wtgw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Feels, Gen, Guilt, Introspection, No Dialogue, Post-Episode: s10e05 Fan Fiction, Shoulda Woulda Coulda, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 07:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4052431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtgw/pseuds/wtgw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They'd felt betrayed by each other before. In some ways they had betrayed each other before.  But not like that.  Not like this.  How could they have just forgotten him?</p><p>(Sam and Dean's thoughts on Adam after the musical in 10.05 "Fan Fiction")</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Excuse

It was, for once, utterly inescapable.

They'd felt betrayed by each other before. In some ways they _had_ betrayed each other before. But not... not like that. Not like this.

How could they have just _forgotten_ him?

There were reasons, of course. Its not like they'd ever really known the kid, and it had seemed like Adam and never really wanted to know them either. Not that any of them had gotten much of a chance to make that decision. There were the feelings of resentment on everyone's part – Sam's melancholy, Dean's jealousy, Adam's anger – that would have made it even harder to get to know each other.  And Sam's return from hell had been sudden and horrifying enough that they honestly hadn't had the chance to even talk about their littlest brother.  And after that, Cas had gone all crazy, and there were the Leviathans, and everything had moved at such a breakneck pace that they'd never even stopped to think about Adam.  They'd pretty much forgotten his existence in favor of dealing with the apocalyptic emergencies that seemed to pop up every day.

But Christ, the kid was only _nineteen_.

Seven years younger than Sam, and eleven younger than Dean. Silently, each brother knew what the other was thinking: what would life have been like? With yet _another_ sibling? Unbearable, was their first instinct, easily falling back on the old "responsibility sucks" mentality, but neither felt comfortable even pretending that was true.

Maybe John would have left them with Adam's mom. Not that it would be particularly fair to her, but it was a nice dream anyway. To have had a home. Chubby-face 11-year-old Dean coming home from school with 2nd-grader Sammy, playing with baby Adam while his mom made... like, spaghetti or something. Whatever real moms made their families for dinner (Dean couldn't remember anything beyond pie and meatloaf anymore, and Sam had never known to begin with). Sam had always wanted to be a big brother, so he could prove he was just like Dean. He would have loved it. ...Until the first time he would have had to change a diaper.

Dean smirked at the thought before he could force it back.

Maybe Adam would have been on the road with them, a reiteration of what Sammy's early life had been, only now with help. Two babysitters instead of one scared four-year-old. Maybe Sam could have convinced Dad that Dean knew better how to take care of babies... could have convinced John to keep leaving Dean behind on hunts, keeping him out of danger. Dean could have lived without monsters for just a few more years. Sam could have proven himself by teaching Adam to walk instead of by sewing up Dean's lacerated arms.

Sam's fingers twitched lightly, as if holding a needle or a child's hand.

Maybe they just would have visited time to time, a few months here and there, like they did with Bobby growing up. When things got too hectic or Dad knew he would be away a long time. When Sammy was falling behind in school bad enough for Dean to demand they settle down for a bit, a card he'd only pulled twice with his father. They'd be the big brothers that Adam called for advice, about girls (Ask Dean) or school (Ask Sammy) or friends being assholes (tell 'em one more time to lay off, and then punch him if he still doesn't listen).

Sam wondered what had made Adam laugh for the first time. What his first words were, or what they would have been.

Dean wondered what Adam's favorite cartoons were. If Sam and Adam would have ganged up on him during tickle fights or football.

God they fucked up. Really bad. They'd screwed up so tremendously, and it was very likely that there was absolutely no fixing it. It was as if they'd blocked it from their memories entirely until the moment they'd seen that girl onstage. Her costume was similar to Siobhan and Marie's – similar to their own clothes, but brighter. The wig she wore bore a worrying resemblance to someone they'd forgotten accidentally-on-purpose. The moment Maeve had actually said who she was supposed to be...

"John Winchester's _other_ kid. He's still trapped in the cage." Dean wanted to scream.

"In hell." Sam wanted to throw up.

"With Lucifer."

It was a miracle they hadn't walked out right then. A miracle they'd both been able to hold back their reactions beyond a single glance toward each other. They hadn't spoken a word after that. Not to anyone; Sam gave Maeve a quiet hug and they'd both waved goodbye to Marie, who was overwhelmed with friends and parents congratulating her, and they'd gone to the car in silence.

 _Dean should've pulled Adam out of hell, not me,_ thought Sam.

 _Christ, maybe I should've,_ thought Dean, ashamed for even considering it.

 _Dad should've fucking told us_ , they agreed without words. But he hadn't. And because he hadn't, because they'd been so completely blindsided by this Cousin Oliver shit, Adam was not only dead, but he was in hell, being tortured by the Archangel Michael and the Devil himself. Because they hadn't been there to protect him, not even to _warn_ him about what was out there. Because they'd backed him into a corner and scared the hell out of him until he'd run to Michael. Because when they finally talked him back, they were too focused on getting out of the Green Room to make sure that Adam got out first. Something Dean had been trained to do all his life - _take care of your little brother_ \- and he hadn't even made sure Adam went out the door first.

And it was too late now. Far too late. Not that it was even possible for them to get Adam back, to reclaim him from the cage, but even if they did, it was useless. Castiel himself had said that Sam's soul felt like it had been "skinned alive" after his time in the cage, that Sam was not expected to survive his soul's return. Adam was trapped in there an entity that had broken Sam's soul to pieces in only fifteen months. And they'd left him in there for almost five years.

Did Adam even exist anymore? Was he even human?

Everything that had happened, there had been reasons behind it. Things completely beyond their control, or rules they had put into place for each other. Sam's powers, his demon-blood addiction, were rooted in Azazel's curse over two decades ago. Dean's failure to help Sam through it was mired in the manipulation of the entire fucking Heavenly Host, his descent into demonhood brought about by the first son of man, Cain. Their whole life had been one giant "extenuating circumstance."

But Adam... they'd just _forgotten_ him.

And there was no excuse for that.

The Impala continued on down the road, the over-sized prop amulet hanging from the rear view mirror, both soothing and mocking them with all they'd lost. All they'd thrown away.

**Author's Note:**

> The first mention of Adam since Sam got his soul back -- long awaited, long overdue, and then immediately forgotten. Yeah. I figure the reason they don't talk about him is because the crushing guilt is just too overwhelming for them to even think of.
> 
> But that got me thinking... was it really the right decision to bring Sam's soul out of the cage instead of Adam's? I mean, of course that's the choice Dean would make, because they're *them,* but was it the right decision? Food for thought, anyway.


End file.
